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Thinking Outside The Box

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The Community Empowerment Team

Who are 'The Community Empowerment Team' and what is our purpose?

The panel was created to discuss a variety of topics that affects the smooth running of our communities.

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Team panellists: Ammaarah, Ahmed, Chanel and James.

 

The community empowerment team was conscientiously selected by Rare Diamond. Having worked with these individuals Rare Diamond is mindful and confident that they are fully capable of delivering insight, motivation and supportive advice. 

Please note: The contents of all material available on this website are copyrighted. All rights are reserved and content may not be reproduced, downloaded, disseminated, published, or transferred in any form or by any means, except with the prior written permission of Rare Diamond. Requests for permission to reuse copyrighted content should be submitted on the contact page on this website.

This article is based on a discussion regarding Toxic Relationships.

based on the following questions:

1. How do you identify a toxic relationship?

2. How do you address a toxic relationship? 

3. What can we do to assist someone to leave a toxic relationship?

 

There is also a 2 part video available on the blog page for those who are visual.  This article is a taster to wet your appitite. Explore additional panelists video discussions on the blog page.

What Does A Toxic Relationships Look Lik

The Community Empowerment Team conducted a panel discussion regarding toxic relationships. Three questions were posed.

 

Question 1: How do you identify a toxic relationship?

 

In terms of facilitating toxic relationships, what are the tell, tell signs? Here are some points that we raised during our discussion:

 

No balance, e.g.

  • Poor communication

  • No loyalty

  • A lack of freedom

  • A lack of respect, locality and boundaries

  • A lack of financial balance love and untrustworthiness

  • Poor or no co-parenting

  • Somebody that has controlling traits

  • Physical abuse

  • Emotional abuse

  • Mental abuse

Toxic communication is a red flag

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Examples:

  • Communicating in a hostile manner  

  • Demeaning sarcasm  

  • Stifling any positive communication

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There are levels to the toxicity

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Examples:

  • Controlling behaviour

  • Lack of support

  • Dishonesty

  • Patterns of disrespect

  • Patterns of resentment

  • Ignoring your needs or vice versa 

  • Your partner is not looking out for your welfare goals and aspirations.

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Self-care is essential

  • It’s important to identify the difference between ‘me-time’ and negligence

  • It is essential to examine whether self has any toxic tendencies

  • One should ask ‘am I happy’

 

 

The victim often feels trapped

 

Examples:

  • Walking on eggshells

  • Almost worshipping their partner

  • All of their needs must be met

  • Your needs are none existent

  • The partner is dismissive and blaming you for their faults

  • Grooming (exploitation and manipulation)

  • Gaslighting (psychological manipulation)

  • Abusers financially withhold money or do not support their partner financially

  • Some abusers put their partner in a position where they are or become penniless and are forced to depend on them for financial assistance

  • The victim is expected to address all the abusers financial needs whether they have the funds or not

  • Abusers seldom feel feels satisfied with their targets effort, therefore, he or she constantly raises the bar of expectation higher

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Additional red flags

  • The victim puts respect, trust and affection towards their abuser above love for self

  • Abusers constantly blaming their target for past mistakes and enjoys keeping scores

  • Victims constantly find themselves defending themselves

  • The victim is unable to communicate any feelings of negativity without being made to feel like they are at fault  

  • The victim is unable to express themselves freely

  • Abusers give guilt trip gifts, in that a gift is presented to appease the person temporarily to allow a platform for the abused to begin their abuse all over again

  • Victims feel unable to trust or feel a sense of loyalty towards the perpetrator

  • The perpetrator seldom demonstrates loyalty towards the victim

  • There is no platform for mutual admiration in a relationship

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Toxic Relationship Settings

  • You are unable to mutually support each other

  • The abuser rarely shows patience or understanding

  • The abuser is unprepared to spend quality time

  • Abusers do not exercise personal responsibility

  • Abusers are unforgiving

  • If you feel the need to question the standard of your relationship that in itself is a red flag that toxic tendencies are present

  • Sometimes a person is oblivious that they are in a toxic relationship

 

 

 

Question 2: How do you address a toxic relationship?

  • Once you have identified that you are in a toxic relationship, it is time to speak with the person you are in a toxic relationship with

  • You can look into relationship therapy, personal development, or counselling

  • Evaluate yourself to see what you are contributing to the relationship

  • Weigh up the pros and cons

  • If you are religious you may consider prayer helpful for guidance

  • Envision what type of relationship you want to be in

  • Evaluate what your partner wants in their relationship

  • Ascertain where the issues lie in the relationship

  • Decide if it is best to leave or not

Embrace the things that you enjoy doing,

 

Examples:

  • Exercising

  • Meditation

  • Drawing

  • Singing

  • Poetry

  • Writing

  • Dancing

  • Socializing

 

 

There is no hard and fast rule when a person is in a toxic relationship, however, here are some core principles:

 

  • Understanding your position what is the best way forward for self

  • Be mindful that abuser may well flip the toxic issues onto you

  • Relationship issues need to be addressed by both parties in the equation

  • Be truthful a realistic to self and your partner 

  • Fish out the blame games

  • Recognise the toxic traits

  • Ensure that your countenance remains calm and fearless while conversing with your partner to avoid errors based on vulnerable emotions because this may jeopardise resolving the issues

  • Give a time limit to address and resolve the toxic issue at hand

  • Remember to forgive the perpetrator and indeed yourself, forgiveness sets you free, it’s not about them but about you, forgiveness affords you the opportunity to recover, attain closure, be at peace with self and move on with your life

It’s important to begin your self-repair programme, build up your self-image and repeat positive statements about self

 

Examples:

  • I deserve the type of life I desire

  • I deserve to be treated with respect

  • I deserve to be in a relationship that serves me and my partner

  • I deserve dignity

  • I am entitled to express my opinion

  • I am entitled to self-repair

  • I do not entertain unrealistic expectations

 

It is also wise to take responsibility for your tolerance e.g. waiting for the abuser to see what they are doing, their demands and their inconsideration toward you. In other words, your relentless appealing to the abuser’s conscience. Indeed it is unresolved flaws that turn into toxic situations. Sometimes one is so consumed with pain and anguish that they forget to address the root cause. In some cases, the victim unwittingly mimics the abuser's traits too.

Question 3: What can we do to assist someone to leave a toxic relationship?

 

Encourage the victim to master self-love.

Support them to put boundaries in place.

Be a listening ear.

Be a voice of reason.

Talk about personal development aids and benefits.

If the person is religious encourage them to pray.

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Be there for them in a physical sense e.g. spend a couple of hours with them every so often, do not be harsh with you words, in some cases, the individual may well clam up and feel a sense of rejection, embarrassment, or even more wounded, this may result with them pushing you away after all they have endured a very emotional journey already.

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On the same token, some may respond well to the tough love method, and again some may respond to both methods, hence take the time out to examine the type of character that you are dealing with so that you can identify which approach will be most effective.

 

In any event when offering support or advice, never be insensitive towards the person's feeling, exercise tact. Remember the following tips:

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  • Remain calm and protect your mental state while assisting others

  • Avoid condescending comments

  • Do not make desperate comments

  • Demonstrate patience and tact

  • Never give up on them; they appreciate what you are doing even if it doesn’t look that way. This is a reminder that someone loves them and cares about them. They need those text, they need those phone calls they need to visits they need that love

  • Do not be judgemental

  • Support the victim to feel a sense of capability, support them to make their own decisions and identify their position

Rare Diamond's Summary

Remember one hat cannot fit all choose your approach wisely, hence when dissolving a relationship there may be other contributing factors to consider. For instance, the couple might own a house together or they may be business partners. So it is important to evaluate the person's circumstances and feasible solutions. It is also important to be realistic about the individual's emotional state of mind, acknowledge that the victim has been depowered, they have endured a path of restraint and of course, this will have a negative impact on the individual in question and you may well push that individual back into the arms of the abuser. So it's important to encourage that person to feel empowered, support them, they do not need a sergeant drill. Bear in mind, despite the issues or gravity of stress, the individual may not be in the required state of mind to end the relationship. It’s also helpful to share examples as a third party so that the individual does not feel like you are getting at them, detaching ones self allows them the space to reflect and attain clarity about the position that they find themself in.

In truth many people do not acknowledge or recognise the traits of a toxic setting; indeed sometimes the individual is accomadating a toxic relationship in oblivion.

 

Hence it is essential to frequently evaluate your relationship. Subsequently, In the event that you evaluate your relationship and conclude that is unhealthy, action is required to address your situation.

 

In some cases, unforeseen devastating circumstances may have played a role in the decline of your relationship. On the other hand, if you believe that your predicament is only a temporary situation, you could consider the following options.

 

  • Try to discuss your concerns with the person.

  • Ask a trusted friend to act as a mediator.

  • Ask a valued member of family to lend support.

  • Ask your doctor for advice.

  • Suggest counselling as a positive way forward.

Remember…

  • You cannot force someone to change their ways if they don’t want to.

  • Don't fall into the trap of waiting for EVER to see a change! If there is no improvement after a while, chances are the problems will not be resolved. 

 

Things you should not be habitually asking

Why are you doing this to me?

Why do you behave as though you don’t like me?

How can you do this to me?

Can't you see that what you are doing affects me?

Tell me, what have I done to deserve this?

How can you be this way and feel no remorse?

Why don’t you consider my feeling?

Why are you being so unreasonable?

 

The facts… No one can be ill-mannered towards you unless you allow them to.

 

If you have exhausted all measures to realign the quality of your relationship, then it is a wise course to dissolve the relationship. If you and your partner have children they will be affected by the spit too. It is essential to reassure them that they are not at fault. Compare the advice below.

What do long-term toxic relationships do?

    

Long-term toxic relationship what do they do?

They block your path when you wish to pursue.

Not because you do not have what it takes to succeed-

But because your mind, spirit and soul are not at ease.

Toxic relationships represent poor choices, resentment and fear,

They support turmoil and non-productive affairs,

Embrace humiliation, low-self-esteem and relentless despair.

 

Beware! You could entertain a toxic relationship with yourself,

You could be neglecting your own spiritual and mental health.

You could be making decisions that don’t benefit you,

You could recognize personal responsibility and point blank refuse.

You could be ignoring the important safety guidelines,

You could be giving everyone else but yourself quality time.

As a result, regular assessment should be on your list, to ensure that you are not entertaining a toxic relationship.

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Remember if you don't entertain a toxic relationship with self then your psyche and self-worth won't tolerate a toxic relationship with anyone else.

 

Copyright © All Rights Reserved ~ Rare Diamond 2012

© 2014 Rare Diamond

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